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Monday, 21 February 2011

Who are boys....and girls...

Who are BOYS?


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Who go to hell and there also they say,


“Yamaraaj ki beti dekhi? Kya dikhati hai yaar…!”






And


Who are GIRLS?


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Who go to heaven and say,


“Uss apsara ki nail paint dekhi?? How cheap…..!”

Saturday, 19 February 2011

Nice1...

A tough biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to shoot herself, so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, he asked "Well, before you shoot, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
Laughter is the best medicine......

ONE LINERS.. Really Funny!!!

*   I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Cheque books.

*   The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

*   What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

*   My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.

*   What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

*   Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

*   At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh! Santa: Control urself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

*   A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper. Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper? French: Toilette pepper!

*   Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole. Banta: Are you ok? Santa: Fine thanks! Banta: Did you break anything? Santa: No, there’s nothing down here to break!

*   Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

*   Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

*   Santa falls in luv with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister.”

*   Q: Why dogs don’t marry? A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!

*   A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked. ‘Anything new at work?’ He replied, ‘No, I’m teaching History.’

*   Q: What’s the diff between mother & wife? A: One woman brings you into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

*   Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and closes it. He does this again and again. Why? Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.

*   Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence. Student: WOW !

*   Santa in an antique shop, “Do you have anything new?”
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

WHY EMPLOYEES LEAVE ORGANISATIONS ?

Every company faces the problem of people leaving the company for better pay or profile.

Early this year, Mark, a senior software designer, got an offer from a prestigious international firm to work in its India operations developing specialized software. He was thrilled by the offer.

He had heard a lot about the CEO. The salary was great. The company had all the right systems in place employee-friendly human resources (HR) policies, a spanking new office, and the very best technology, even a canteen that served superb food.

Twice Mark was sent abroad for training. "My learning curve is the sharpest it's ever been," he said soon after he joined.

Last week, less than eight months after he joined, Mark walked out of the job.

Why did this talented employee leave?


Arun quit for the same reason that drives many good people away.

The answer lies in one of the largest studies undertaken by the Gallup Organization. The study surveyed over a million employees and 80,000 managers and was published in a book called "First Break All The Rules". It came up with this surprising finding:


If you're losing good people, look to their
manager.... manager is the reason people stay and thrive in an organization. And he’s the reason why people leave. When people leave they take knowledge,experience and contacts with them, straight to the competition.

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People leave managers not companies," write the authors Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman.

Mostly manager drives people away?

HR experts say that of all the abuses, employees find humiliation the most intolerable. The first time, an employee may not leave, but a thought has been planted. The second time, that thought gets strengthened. The third time, he looks for another job.

When people cannot retort openly in anger, they do so by passive aggression. By digging their heels in and slowing down. By doing only what they are told to do and no more. By omitting to give the boss crucial information. Dev says: "If you work for a jerk, you basically want to get him into trouble. You don 't have your heart and soul in the job."

Different managers can stress out employees in different ways - by being too controlling, too suspicious,too pushy, too critical, but they forget that workers are not fixed assets, they are free agents. When this goes on too long, an employee will quit - often over a trivial issue.


Talented men leave. Dead wood doesn't.

Kabir Vani and Software Engineer (SE)

Kabir : Aisi baani boliye, man ka aapa khoye
Auron ko sheetal kare, aap bhi sheetal hoye

SE: Aisa presentation dijiye, man ka aapa khoye,
Auron ko confuse kare, aap bhi confuse hoye

Kabir : Guru Govind doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihari guru aapke, govind diyo bataye

SE : Client aur manager doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihaari client aapke, manager diyo bataye.

Rahim : Rahiman dhaaga prem ka, mat todo chatkaye
tode se fir jude na, jude gaanth pad jaaye

SE : SE confidence manager, mat todo chatkaye
Project to barbaad hoye hi, appraisal mein waat lag jaye.

Kabir : Dheere dheere re mana, dheere sab kuch hoye,
Maali seenche sow ghara, ritu aaye phal hoye

SE : Dheere dheere re project leader, dheere project execute hoye,
client dikhaye kitni bhi urgency, release deadline ke baad hi hoye..

Kabir : Jab Tun Aaya Jagat Mein , Log Hanse Tu Roye
Aise Karni Na Kari , Pache Hanse Sab roye

SE : Jab project aaye company mein, client hase hum roye,
Aisi karni na kari , tu hase client roye...

Kabir: Dukh Mein Sumiran Sab Kare , Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye
Jo Sukh Mein Sumiran Kare , Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye

SE: Rush hour mein kaam sab karen , routine mein kare na koye,
jo routine mein sab kaam kare, to rush hour kaahe hoye.

Kabir : Pothhi padh padh jag mooya, pandit bhaya na koye,
Dhai aakhar prem ka, padhe so pandit hoye

SE : Coding kar ar jag mooya, programmer bhaya na koye,
Do shabd copy-paste ke, kare so programmer hoye.

Kabir : Chalati chakki dekh ke, diya Kabira roye,
Do paatan ke beechmein, saabut bacha na koye

SE: Client aur manager ko dekhke, engineers saare roye,
Deadline meet karne ke chakkar mein, saabut bacha na koye.

Kabir: Chinta Aisee Dakini, Kat Kaleja Khaye
Vaid Bichara Kya Kare , Kahan Tak Dawa Lagaye

SE: Deadline aisi dakini, man ka tension badhaaye,
kaam itna ho sar par, time pe complete kaise ho paaye.

Kabir: Maala To Kar Mein Phire , Jeebh Phire Mukh Mahin
Manua To Chahun Dish Phire, Yeh To Sumiran Nahin

SE: Engineer gaye sab cigarette peene, Leader phire office maahin,
Cubicle se jyaada time canteen pe rahe, yeh to dedication naahin

Why do we shout in anger?

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained,' When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot.. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

BECHARA HUSBAND...

Agar aurat par hath uthaye to Zalim, **

*Aurat se Pit jaye to Buzdil,*



* Aurat ko kisi ke 7 dekh ker ladai kare to Jealous,

*Chup rahe to Be-gairat, *

*Ghar se bahar rahe to Awara,*

* Ghar me rahe to Nakara, *

*Bachon ko dante to Jaalim, *

*Na dante to Laparwah,*

*Aurat ko naukri se roke to Shakki Mijaz,*

*Na rokey to biwi ki kamai khanewala,*

*Maa ki mane to Maa ka Chamcha,*

*Biwi ki sune to Joru ka Gulam...*

*Na Jane Kab Aayega . . . . . .*

* "HAPPY MEN'S DAY"*

Thought

"Those Nights When You Can’t Sleep,

You Just Might Be In Someone Else's Dreams…"

Stupid Questions Smart Answers....

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Wilson says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.



BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.



GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??



GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple



GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??



BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??



BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??



WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in! one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.



1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".



2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun
gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".



3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".



4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"



5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.



6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".



7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".



8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".



9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".



10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".



11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day
and at the same time."



12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Dating process . . .

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself he he he . . .

Thursday, 10 February 2011

A Riddle.....

A riddle for you to keep awake...

Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved this riddle,
But only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out!

Can you answer the following questions in one word?

1. The word has seven letters...
2. Preceded God...
3. Greater than God...
4. More Evil than the devil...
5. All poor people have it...
6. Wealthy people need it....
7. If you eat it, you will die.

Did you figure it out?


Try hard before looking at the answers.


Did you get it yet?



Give up?




Brace yourself for the answer...
The Answer is:

NOTHING!

NOTHING has 7 letters.
NOTHING preceded God.
NOTHING is greater than God.
NOTHING is more Evil than the devil.
All poor people have NOTHING.
Wealthy people need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING, you will die.

Wednesday, 9 February 2011

Chinese Call Centre...

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me...

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to
me.. Who is this?


Caller: I’m Sam Wan... And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what’s this urgent matter
about?


Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident.
Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.
Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.


Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn’t
an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for
this!


Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Ree...

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree...

Caller: Oh …..God…. …

From –
Good Wan!